October 25, 2020

#tbk247

Changing the Culture 4 God

I Used to Think Abuse Was Love

I Used to Think Abuse Was Love

I Used to Think Abuse Was Love

I'm learning that true healing requires facing the past

I'm learning that true healing requires facing the past

I'm learning that true healing requires facing the past

I’m learning that true healing requires facing the past!

 

The concert ran late and I knew I was breaking curfew, which spoiled any of the fun I had in the previous hours that night. I carefully tiptoed up to my room hoping that, for a change, my mother had already gone to sleep so my punishment would come in the morning. This wasn’t the best move to make right before leaving for college. But I wasn’t running too late; maybe there was a chance that she would forget about it. Maybe not.

I quietly turned the corner to enter my room, and my jaw dropped in horror as I found all my belongings in a big pile in the middle of the floor. Everything, from pencils to underwear to my computer, was built into a giant mountain. She was wild-eyed and furious, waiting for me to arrive, and like a lion pouncing on its prey, she proceeded to yell and scream, reiterating her analysis that I was inherently bad.

Her eyes, full of fury, now went stone cold with a look of resignation. She carefully said

“I will never trust you.

Her eyes, full of fury, now went stone cold with a look of resignation. She carefully said

Her eyes, full of fury, now went stone cold with a look of resignation. She carefully said, “I will never trust you.

This sort of dramatic reaction to my disobedience was not unusual, each time leaving me in a state of confusion and shame. But something about the way she said it this day was different. Along with the usual berating of my character and how I would amount to nothing, I heard something different in her voice as her rage subsided. Her eyes, full of fury, now went stone cold with a look of resignation. She carefully said, “I will never trust you. I don’t believe in you anymore. I give up.” My inner-fighter voice that usually said, “But I will prove you wrong,” was replaced with final defeat and a laying down of arms. Suddenly overwhelmed by the wave of darkness, my mom and I wept bitterly into the night. I could not hate myself any more in that moment.

I never understood all the complicated dynamics that existed between my mom and me. There was the usual mother-daughter …

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